A mixture of good and not so good

The theme for this year’s World Mental Health Day, which was marked on Monday 10th October was: ‘Make mental health and wellbeing for all a global priority.’  

Certainly, mental health is something we all have and this needs to be recognised the world over. It is a priority for every one of us and this includes me! I was reminded of this after listening to a podcast called ‘Breaking Cycles and Reparenting Yourself’ with Dr Becky Kennedy.

When I work on my own inner stuff this benefits not only me but the people around me, including my children.

In the introduction to the podcast, the presenter introduces Dr Becky by saying as a parent herself, she manages to put into practice the advice she gives to others about a third of the time. I too have days, or more realistically minutes or hours (!), when I think I’m doing a good job as a parent. Then there are other moments when, as my children enthusiastically tell me, I am a rubbish parent and how can I possibly advise others on how to do it?!!

I think both of these things can be true at the same time; I am a good parent and I am a rubbish parent. As Father Richard Rohr (ref 1) writes, ‘All created things are a mixture of good and not so good.’ When I can see myself for who I am -  a mixture of my gifts and my weaknesses – I can accept myself more fully and be less self-critical (at least some of the time anyway!).

I will share with you two moments with one of my own children – one when I did a good enough job, and another when I was rubbish!

Staying curious

“Just shut the **** up!” This was the first time my child had screamed and sworn at me. I was surprised, shocked, ashamed. For a moment I caught myself thinking: “what have I created?; it’s all my fault; they’re going to grow up to be a bad person; what will other people think?” In Circle of Security-Parenting (ref 2) language, my ‘shark music’ had been triggered. How I felt in that moment had little to do with what was going on for my child and more to do with my own stuff. On this occasion I was feeling in an okay place and thankfully I kept my thoughts to myself!

My child walked out of the room looking angry, perhaps a little embarrassed. This was just long enough for me to take a deep breath; a chance for me to step back and think: “there’s my shark music again”. Staying curious to what our children show us is SO important. So what was going on for my child? They weren’t doing this ‘just for attention’, they had a genuine need to connect. So when my child returned I said, “Hey, I’m worried about you; what’s going on right now?” This was just enough for them to say what was really going on and for me to meet them on ‘the bottom of the circle’.

Phew! By prioritising my child’s needs and staying with my own discomfort, I had on this occasion anyway, been able to join my child in validating their inner emotional world. What a gift.

As Dr Becky says, having children who show us how they are really feeling may at times be ‘inconvenient’ for us, but in the longer term it will benefit them.

I am as I am seen

My child: “I’m shy at school.”

Me: “No you’re not shy.”

End of conversation!

What was going on here? I certainly wasn’t curious, interested or open. And so my child didn’t talk to me. Dr Becky’s podcast really helped me here. She says that when we tell our children the opposite of what they are feeling, it’s like we are telling them it isn’t real and we don’t understand them. I realise I didn’t want to think of my child as shy; I was a ‘shy child’ and it wasn’t a description I wanted my child to repeat!

We know that children pick up on our own internal discomfort.

When I told my child, “no you’re not shy”, what I was really saying was: “I’m not prepared to go there; I can’t be with this part of you.” And so my child was left alone with their experience.

Being real

We are not designed to be a perfect parent, rather our aim is to be ‘good enough’.

This blog has given me the chance to reflect on my own stuff, so that I am less likely to pass it on to my children.

This is one of many things that coming on a Circle of Security Parenting group can give you – a chance to stand back and reflect on our parenting journey. Phrases such as ‘shark music’ and ‘the bottom of the circle’ are used throughout the group and provide us with tools to help us guide our children to feel emotionally secure.

When we are heard without judgement our feelings are validated.

Joining a group is a chance to be seen for who we are, or in Dr Becky’s words, an opportunity to experience the “realness factor”.

Email Katie Logan if you are interested in finding out more about the Circle of Security-Parenting groups that we run.

References:

1 - Richard Rohr - Forgiveness - A Change of Consciousness

2 - Circle of Security International

Telling our story: HonC! turns 4!

It was the end of 2017 and I had just finished running a Circle of Security Parenting Group in Trumpington. A group of parents attending the group asked if I could help them set up a stay-and-play group in the community. They wanted a place where they could continue supporting one another in their parenting, and a space to reach out and support other local families. And so HonC! was born!

We held our first group in June 2018 in the Tillie Cuthbert room at Clay Farm Community Centre. Since then, we have grown both in numbers and in space. Four years on we welcome around 60 families a week, both at Clay Farm, and since September 2021 at Trumpington Village Hall too.

HonC! stands for ‘Hands on the Circle’ and is a phrase adapted from the Circle of Security Parenting groups we run. We as a parent/carer are the hands for our children, helping them go out to explore the world, and being there for them when they need to come back in to have their cup filled.

Our hope from the start was that HonC! could also be the hands for families. A ‘safe haven’ where they can return to, to find comfort and make sense of their experiences`, and a ‘secure base’ where they can go out from and try out new things.

When we become a parent we don’t know how our child will turn out, and similarly we don’t know how they will change us. Likewise for me, and perhaps for others, I didn’t know how HonC! would grow and change. We have loved welcoming in so many families, each one bringing their own story, and supporting a growing number of volunteers. In January 2020 we were delighted that HonC! became a part of the charity Connected Lives – a bigger family of support for us: ‘hands holding hands.’

Perhaps one of the biggest surprises for me is the way that I have been changed over the past five years. I must admit, when the group of parents originally approached me asking for my help in setting up something, several thoughts went through my head, including: “Am I good enough?”; “I have never done anything like this before, what if I get it wrong” ; “What will others think?” In fact, concerns not dissimilar to thoughts I had before I became a parent!

In Circle of Security Parenting we are told that when we become a parent there is no instruction manual, but that our children are the instruction manual. We learn with our children as we grow with them. Similarly, at HonC! I have learnt from families, volunteers and the situation during the pandemic, always seeking in the words of Circle of Security Parenting, to wherever possible follow HonC!’s needs and whenever necessary to take charge.

Like a four-year-old child, HonC! has a become larger, with it’s own character and set of needs. To continue to make sure HonC! thrives and continues to support local families in our community, we are asking for your help. You can become a regular giver or give a one-off donation. Every donation is appreciated to ensure HonC! can continue for the next four years.

Thank you.

Telling our story: one piece at a time

“Helen, what makes being-with so difficult?”

 What a brilliant question and one I hope we can reflect on in this and future blogs.

This was the opening question Magda asked me as we met to share stories of her recent time in Poland. Over the next few weeks, I hope to share some thoughts about being-with, in the context of Magda’s experiences and what we know from attachment theory and trauma-informed work.

 The first story I would like to share is a small but significant interaction Magda had with a little boy at a makeshift children’s camp where she was a volunteer. These are Magda’s words:

“Towards the end of the session, one of the three-year-old’s got sleepy and rested his head on my knees. He was daydreaming and suddenly said, “they bombed Granny Anna’s house, her house is gone.”

What powerful words! Magda felt she was able to do so little in the few days she was volunteering and said she felt helpless in the face of so much distress. Indeed, to hear such stories is overwhelming. Yet when I heard this boy’s ability to share something of his experience with Magda my heart warmed, and I was reminded of the book ‘What happened to you? Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing’ by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. In the book, Perry and Winfrey engage in a series of conversations about how to understand trauma, shifting from the question, ‘What is wrong with you?’ to perhaps a healthier question that approaches a person with humanity: ‘What happened to you?’

In their discussion Perry talks about the idea of brief ‘doses’ of positive interactions for those with traumatic memories and how these cannot be over-estimated. This means that a child with a troublesome memory, like this little boy lying on Magda’s lap, may only be able to tolerate for a brief time talking about what happened to them, before moving on to doing something else.

I believe such a moment of being-with – of paying attention and being in the present moment - is not exclusive to stories like the one above but are open to all of us in our everyday interactions. Maybe it’s a comment our child makes as they return home from school. Perhaps it’s a story one parent shares with another parent at a playgroup.

I recently had a short conversation with the checkout assistant at a supermarket which for me was just the right ‘dose’ to help me with my own story. I had gone in to buy some large oranges. This is how the conversation went at the till:

Assistant: “Those oranges smell amazing.”

Me: “They do don’t they, you can even smell them through your face mask.”

Assistant: “Yes I love oranges, but I can’t be bothered to peel them they are such a faff! I wish I had someone to do it for me.”

Me: “I know what you mean. When I was a child, my mum always peeled them for me. Now I am a grown-up I peel them for my children, and I don’t have anyone to do this for me.”

This conversation might sound insignificant yet recalling a memory of my mum peeling an orange brought back warm memories of someone being there for me and showing me care. This shop assistant was able to be-with me; to pay me close attention.  A moment of healing.

I know this might sound trivial, inconsequential, yet I believe we can do this for one another as we take the time to listen and to be fully present.  

Just as Magda did for this little boy. 

May we all catch these moments to be-with one another.

If you would like to find out more about ‘being-with’ sign up here to join a Circle of Security Parenting group in the Autumn.

Helen Bell

Worthwhile and Visible

I wrote this while I was recovering at home from Covid. A cruel illness, I think made so much harder because of the sense of enforced isolation and aloneness. The guidance is ‘isolate for ten days’; ‘stay away from others’; ‘wear a mask.’ So counterintuitive to me; I enjoy being with people, making connections, looking at people’s faces.

As humans we are programmed to be in relationship with other people

From the start of life, babies seek out the human face and they are soothed by the touch and sounds of a safe other person. Being a parent, or caring for a young child, is a very ‘hands-on’ task, isn’t it? Bathing a child, brushing their hair, changing their nappy, feeding them, preparing their meal, holding them when they fall, singing them to sleep…so many tasks throughout the day and night!

 Then Covid comes along and we’re told to be ‘hands-off’; to keep our distance. So, what happens to the comfort, connection and closeness we all still need? That I need whilst I am lying in my bed recuperating?

How can we be ‘hands-on’ during a pandemic that asks us to be ‘hands-off?’

Whilst I cannot be touched or physically with another person at the moment, what I have found makes a huge difference to me is being ‘held in mind’ by another person.

So, what does it mean to be held in someone’s mind? To me, it means that even though we are physically separate, I know that someone else is thinking about me, carrying me almost. I am held up by another, so I’m not alone. A good friend of mine who was suffering a serious illness said this to me:

“It made such a difference to know I was being held in mind. I cannot quite explain it but it’s like a web holding you and yours”

Perhaps this sounds mysterious, intangible. I have been thinking about how this might work between parents and children. I came across this very useful article called ‘Being Held in a Healthy Mind” which says:

‘When the child is out of sight, she is not out of mind, and what is more she somehow comes to intuit and trust the fact…Everything we know about attachment and bonding, and separation and loss, revolves at some stage around this critical process and reality.’

Someone is with you

In Circle of Security-Parenting we talk about being a ‘secure base’ for our children, to be someone who enables our children to go out and explore. To watch over them, and even when our children are out of sight, to watch over them in our mind’s eye. When we can do this for our children, they will grow up knowing that they are not alone. Bessel van der Kolk writes:

“If we feel abandoned, worthless or invisible, nothing seems to matter.’

Fischy music has a wonderful song that speaks of this intuitive knowing that we are not alone. It starts:

 “When your feeling kinda blue, and there’s nothing you can do, someone is with you”

My hope is that each of us may know that we are worthwhile and that we are visible; that we are present in someone else’s mind.

Helen Bell

References

https://thetcj.org/in-residence/being-held-in-a-healthy-mind

The Body Keeps the score: mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma. (2015). Bessel van der Kolk.

Fischy music copyright

Being Real

I turned on the radio a few weeks ago and I was delighted to hear the voice of Shlomo (@SKShlomo), international beatboxer from an Iraqi-Jewish-German heritage. Other members of my family have long been fans of Shlomo and they have regularly listened to him perform live at an annual festival we attended prior to the pandemic. To be honest, his music had never really moved me and I didn’t really see what the big deal was about! Then in 2019 this all changed. I went to one of Shlomo’s gigs with my daughter and I was blown away. It was not just his musicianship that had an impact on me, though certainly he is clearly brilliant, but also the way in which he related to his audience - including many children. He seemed different, softer somehow, and I was different because of this encounter with him.  

I was reminded of this again when I heard him on the radio and my curiosity was renewed as to what this change might be about. In the radio interview, Shlomo spoke about how as a child finding music was a way of “successfully being different”. He started performing from a young age and he said, on reflection, this acted as a “constant distraction from reality.” Then in 2017 Shlomo stopped touring, with the intention of making an album. Once he stopped, he broke down. He no longer had the “constant stream of approval” that had sustained him. He was alone with his thoughts and his memories. The album he went on to write was about his own mental health struggle and in the interview, he says how he realised that if he was to share this album, he needed to start talking about his own trauma.

Wow! What a powerful testimony! So, “why are you writing about this in a blog?” I hear you ask. Well for many reasons, though at the heart of it I suppose it is the story of a person who has faced childhood adversity and now as an adult is processing this, as these experiences continue to shape him and those around him. Connected Lives is about supporting people in their journey as parents and as couples. To help people make sense of their lived experiences; to be alongside people as they navigate relationships that matter to them.

Stop

The first thing that strikes me listening to Shlomo talking is that it is when he stopped, he changed. He had for many years been busy doing; on the road performing. Now he was alone with his thoughts; a shift from doing to being. I think this can be quite a scary shift to make and perhaps for many of us we go through our lives, constantly busy, always on the go. I wonder how the pandemic and the enforced nationwide call to stop affected us? And now, as the busyness creeps back into our lives, how does this change us again?

Be vulnerable

The second thing I paid attention to in Shlomo’s interview was this: “as soon as I started being real, I got lots and lots of support.” Amazing! To ‘be real’ I think takes great courage and vulnerability. Over and over again I see how parents attending a Circle of Security Parenting Group take risks to show something of their ‘true selves’ and as a consequence experience both support from others and personal change. Inner transformation has a powerful effect on those around us. At the end of one COS-P group a parent reflected that her child had not changed yet because she first needs to change; to do the necessary inner work which will then help her child. What amazing insight!

Be yourself

A third aspect of Shlomo’s conversation that interests me is what might be called ‘generational trauma’; the trauma that in Shlomo’s words is in our DNA and comes out through our behaviour. Circle of Security Parenting can offer one path to helping parents stop, stand back and reflect on what they carry with them, in their bodies and in their actions. Alongside giving parents “lots and lots of therapy,” Shlomo says we need to “teach our children it’s okay to have those so-called negative emotions, we have to be allowed to cry, especially boys, we have to be allowed to just let it out in a safe way.”

 I think there is a lot of wisdom in Shlomo’s words. After all, if we want to raise our children to be secure in themselves and to relate well to others, we need to be real. Shlomo ends by saying:

“I am different, and there are children watching me, so I am like, ‘kids be yourself, let’s do it!’”

If you are interested in joining a Circle of Security Parenting Group, check out our website to see what groups are happening this Autumn.

https://beatboxadventures.com/news/getting-deep-on-national-radio

Written by Helen Bell

“Did you see that coming?”

Recently I was sat in my kitchen with the doors open, enjoying the hot weather we have been having, when suddenly the sky darkened and the atmosphere changed. It felt like rain was on the way. I quickly stood up and closed the doors. Shortly afterwards my husband came downstairs and commented, “Did you see that coming?” We were both pleased I had acted early enough to stop the rain- which was torrential when it came – pour in to the house.

This reminded me of how it can be helpful to step in early with our own children, to ward off the emotional downpour that might follow if we miss the early warning signs. Here I share two examples, offered by a parent who has completed the Circle of Security Parenting Group, the parenting course that we run at Connected Lives and how she was able to step in early enough with their own children*.

“I got a moment with my daughter yesterday when she expressed sadness at missing some of her friends in her class. Rather than buck her up and jolly her along, I paused what I was doing and reflected back to her that yes, it’s hard and sad to miss friends. Then after a suitable time of us both looking gloomy and pondering the loss, I gently pointed out that post bubbles in September she will be able to play with them at break time and on play dates at home. She brightened at this thought and got on with her afternoon.”

“Last week when my son was stressing about a Shakespeare assignment and I agreed 400-year-old English is tough, I sat with him to hold his anxiety while he did the homework. I nipped out, came back and like a toddler on a bicycle, he’d got some speed and confidence up on his own. If I wasn’t able to be-with him in the moment, I think he’d have remained stuck. For other parents who think they’ve left it too late (I do at least 10 times a day), I’m seeing I can keep repairing and building missing self-regulation circuits in my children, even if long past babyhood.”

Emotional Attunement

What I love about these examples is the way in which this parent is attuned to her children; she notices their struggle. Whether it is her daughter’s sadness at missing friends, or her son grappling with his English homework. Similarly, as I sat in my kitchen, I noticed a change outside; the sky darkened, the temperature changed and I could sense in my body that a storm was on the way. Noticing that our children might not be doing so well maybe a gut feeling, something intuitive we feel in our body. It might not be the words they use, or even how they communicate through their behaviour. It might be more subtle than this, a mood or feeling we pick up from them. The other aspect of these examples I really like is how quickly both children were able to get on with their day, rather than being stuck, paralysed from moving on. Sometimes we might think engaging with our children is going to take up a lot of our time, preventing us from getting on with other tasks. It’s encouraging to be reminded that this isn’t necessarily the case.

Paying Attention

This mum took time to notice how her children were doing, such an important gift! And one that isn’t as easy as it sounds with the many demands and preoccupations that fill our busy lives. I was able to notice the early signs of the storm because I was sat for a moment, not occupied by other things. For my husband, he was busy doing something else so was grateful for me closing the doors. It was only when the rain came that he paid attention.

Yet be encouraged – we won’t always see the warning signs or get in early enough before the rain comes and all havoc breaks loose. We can still be there alongside our children in the storm. And afterwards, when the rain subsides and there is calm, we can look forward to the rainbow.

Helen Bell

*Identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality

I am enough

The past week has been a time of highs and lows. For many, there was a growing anticipation and excitement as the England football team progressed through to the final of the Euro 2020 on Sunday 11th July 2021. This was swiftly followed by the disappointment of loss, and more profoundly, dismay and anger at the racial abuse levelled at the young England players who had failed to successfully to take their penalty.

One of these young players is Marcus Rashford, a man who has become known for the way in which he has spoken out about child food poverty. In recognition of Rashford’s contribution, a mural was painted on the side of a café with a portrait of Rashford and the words: ‘Take pride in knowing that your struggle will play the biggest role in your purpose.’ Powerful words indeed.

In the night following England’s defeat, this mural was defaced and then transformed as many people placed messages of support and hope on the wall. When I awoke and saw this changed image, I felt physically moved. As one local person said: “something beautiful has been created out of something negative” https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-57832402 . For me, the mural is even more powerful as Rashford is joined by his local community as they stand alongside him.

In a Twitter, Rashford reflects:

“The communities that always wrapped their arms around me continue to hold me up. I’m Marcus Rashford, 23 year old, black man from Withington and Wythenshawe, South Manchester. If I have nothing else, I have that.”

Wow! What makes it possible for a young man to say this?

Where does he find his identity, his security?

 As a Circle of Security Parenting facilitator, I cannot help but return to the circle graphic which is at the heart of this programme to find meaning in what Rashford is saying. As Rashford speaks of being ‘wrapped in the arms’ of those who support him, I see this as a safe haven - arms and hands outstretched ready to welcome him home; to provide comfort and protection. Equally, the idea of Rashford having people to ‘hold him up’ brings to mind ideas of strength and confidence for me. Like a bird held in the palm of someone’s hands ready to take flight once more. A community, a secure base, that allows Rashford to go out once more into the world and thrive, rather than survive.

I wonder, how might I, as a parent help my children to grow up knowing they have a safe haven to which they can return?

How might I help them to have an experience of a secure base, that watches over them and delights in them?

 The answer I think lies in being the hands, which you can see on the circle graphic. As a parent, we are to be the hands for our children, to stay on the circle. That is, to be there for them in all of their emotions, in the highs and lows of their every day. It means staying emotionally connected, available for them. It means loving them for who they are, not for what they do.

As I write this, I realise it sounds like hard work. It is hard work. It is relentless and demanding. I return to Rashford’s comment that it is the “communities” that have been there for him; it does not fall to one person. May we find family, friends, neighbours, groups, who can be there to help uphold our children. To help uphold ourselves.

In Rashford’s twitter he offers himself and says that if nothing else, he has this. I wonder how able I am to say:

 “I’m Helen Bell, 47 years old white woman from South Yorkshire. If I have nothing else, I have that.”

That is enough.

I am enough.

You are enough.

Life will never be the same again

“Life will never be the same again”

I remember when I was expecting my first child people would say to me, “life will never be the same again”. I didn’t quite understand what they meant by this. It was said almost as a threat, like I had made a mistake. That I needed to make the most of things now, before the arrival of this little person. Strangers and friends alike would advise me to make the most of my evenings, to spend time with my friends, to pursue my hobbies, “whilst I still can”.

I am sure their intentions were well meant and to some extent they were right; life did change. But what I hadn’t anticipated was how I would change as a human being. I was reminded of the power of a new life to transform us once again when a mum shared a poem with me which she had written shortly after the birth of her first child. This mum has kindly agreed for me to share her poem here.

Love Unknown

You were an unknown entity many months ago.

Now you are everything God told me you will be.

I am overcome with love,

a love different to all,

a love beyond all understanding.

A love no other can lay claim to.

I see you and cannot have words for what I want you to know.

I have an unknown proudness for you.

I feel an unknown willingness for sacrifice to give you what you need,

out of a passionate protective love.

I will surround you to protect you from prying hands and minds.

I will envelop you from the cold.

I will trust God will protect and guide your path for He has it decided.

I will be someone who He wishes me to become for you,

someone you will be fiercely proud of.

You will be my pride and joy.

You will be everything from the sky to the rainbow,

from the summer sun to the autumn open land,

from the winter forest to the spring meadows.

I thank the Lord everyday for gifting me such a life.

For bestowing me such a life to be proud of.

You are everything I could love and wish for and beyond.

The Lord will make our paths straight.

Open your mouth, open it wide and let the Lord fill it.

                                                                                     T. Williamson 

What really touches me about this poem is the mother’s love for her child, a love so consuming, that it changes her; a love so great that it cannot be totally understood. Certainly, this child is not a mistake! This new life is a gift of love.

In the book ‘The Birth of a Mother,’ Stern and Bruschweiler-Stern write about the ‘intimate responsibility’ of loving and how we must discover how to interact with someone who is so different to any other relationship we have encountered. How do we interact with someone who is unable to communicate in words? They write:

‘Ask yourself what your basic understanding has been of what it means to relate to someone else. For this new relationship, you will have to draw upon your lifelong understanding of intimacy. Unexpectedly intense, relating to your baby will call into action and into question all your talents for loving, sharing, relating, giving, and receiving.’

What a huge task! Perhaps daunting, yet also an opportunity. An opportunity of love and discovery.

 Perhaps when well-wishers gave me advice as to what to expect when my child was born, it would have been helpful to hear how I, as a woman, as a mother, as a human being, will be changed.

Certainly, I will never be the same again.

Dr Helen Bell, Cambridgeshire Hub Director, Connected Lives

Birth of a Mother: How the Experience of Motherhood Changes you Forever (1998) by Daniel Stern, Nadia Bruschweiler-Stern, Alison Freeland.

The ABC’s of Transitions

You don't need me to tell you that the last 18 months have been generally unsettling and at times downright awful for many of us. As the school term draws to a close all of our children are facing transitions. For some it's the relatively straightforward Year 4 to Year 5 or Year 10 to Year 11. For others the transitions are more significant and maybe more tricky to handle.

Schools have been phenomenal in how they have managed this extraordinary year, continuing to provide face to face teaching to so many children even in height of lock down. Add to that to navigating the transition to online learning, teaching bubbles, keeping covid-secure with hundreds of potential spreaders running around and endless uncertainty about exams and we probably all agree that teachers deserve seriously nice end of year gifts this time around!

Despite this incredible job transitions are likely to be much harder for our children right now. The normal 'rites of passage'; trips away, last ever Christmas fairs, school plays, tearful leavers assembly etc etc haven't necessarily happened. Children may only have seen new schools, nurseries or even universities online and this can leave them feeling understandably more apprehensive about what is to come. So is there anything we as parents can do to help? A colleague and friend, Dr Kathryn Hollins, and I did some thinking on this and here's what we came up with. For anyone interested we also recorded a webinar on exactly this which be up on the Connected Lives Website to view.

A - Anticipate

Children need to have adults around them who can help them make sense of their world and who are unafraid of talking about difficult emotions. Anticipating and talking about times of change enables children to feel more in control and calmer.

We know that how parents prepare children for key transitions is vital. Nursery and Primary aged children can be helped enormously by a 'walk and talk' . If you are going to a totally new place how about trying a physical practice walk and a talk through what will happen: "When we come for your first day, I'll drop you here, we'll say "hello" and go in there then Mrs A will show you where to put your coat… etc. Mrs A your teacher will be with you and I will come back later".  Drawing out a pictorial plan of the day can really help some children to feel clearer and more confident. With older children you might not need to do a practice run (although in London, some practice runs on 'what to do if your preferred method of public transport doesn't work isn't a bad idea) but a chat around their expectations, hopes and fears can elicit what's really going on in their minds and gives them permission to talk about what they are feeling with you. Which leads us nicely on to:

B - Being With

'Being With' emotions, is a brilliant phrase and concept coined by the originators of Circle of Security Parenting® which we love. In this context 'being with' their emotions might be about accepting that a loss has occurred for them, that they are sad. Having adults willing to help them in this way is the fastest way to make children feel more resilient, more able to look ahead, more able to make the transitions. We won’t necessarily be able to fix things, but having adults show they get it, helps children become more resilient.

C - Celebrating each step

As parents we want to be less concerned about 'catch up' and more concerned about celebrating each step. We know that children learn best when they feel safe and understood by their carers and teachers. This process, particularly for children who've had such disruption, involves so many vital but necessary steps. Here's some of the steps I identified but I'm sure you can add to them. Each step is important and we cannot rush the process of children feeling safe and understood by their teachers, and relaxed with friends.

As Bigger Stronger Wiser Kind parents we want to be helping our children go at their own pace, to celebrate the small steps that help them get to an emotional place where they can begin to learn more effectively. Long term this is more important than parts of curriculum that they might have missed.

So as you help navigate your children through these transitional waters, practice your ABC's and remember, together you've got this.

Jenny Peters - Director, Connected Lives

Hit the Restart

“I feel safe with you”                                                                        “You’re awesome”

These are comments two young children said to their parents after they had attended a Circle of Security-Parenting Group. What wonderful comments! What an amazing testament to all the hard work these families have put into making a change in their relationships with their children.

Change is not just a possibility for these families, but is possible for ALL of us, even amidst the daily grind of parenthood.

So how can we make a change? To find a way to connect with our children?

This can be so hard, especially when our energy levels are low and we have so many demands on our time. The last 16 months have taken its toll on many of us and our relationships. We can get into unhelpful patterns of relating and thinking about our children. Perhaps viewing them as being ‘difficult’ or failing to see them as they really are.  

This is certainly true for me, as I realised the enjoyment of being with my child was hard to find. “Time to do something different!” I thought. In the words of the band Newsboys, time for me to hit the restart!

 Here’s my story.

I waited outside the school gate for my child to appear. The first time I had seen them at their new ‘big school’ since Covid began. I waited and waited. Streams of big children poured out of the gates, making me feel small in comparison! Finally, they appeared, swamped in their new uniform, looking small beside many of the students surrounding them. I felt a new wave of love wash over me; a desire to protect them and a sense of pride: “this is my child”. We met and went to have a drink in a local café. Just the two of us. Face to face, in a different place. My child talked. I listened. We went home.

My intention in meeting my child was to have some one-to-one time, uninterrupted, in a different space to where we spend most of our time together, that is, at home! All this was good and yes it helped to set us on a new path of connecting. But what surprised me the most was the shift in me when I saw my child at the school gate. In my mind my child had grown in size and age; displaying arrogance and bravado like an older adolescent. Yet in reality when I saw them, I thought, “wow, I’d forgotten how little you are, you have a lot to get used to, and maybe sometimes you need my help.”

It is so easy to stop seeing our children for who they actually are; to miss how they might be feeling underneath the behaviour they show us. 

In this moment of me stopping, standing back and watching my child afresh I caught a glimpse of perhaps the anxious new kid on the block; someone trying to find their way in the world and negotiating lots of novel things.

When we wake in the morning, I believe that we do have a new opportunity to start over, to see our children for who they truly are and what they need from us. I am not denying this is hard work and we have to start over many times. But it is worth it!

As I saw my child walk through the school gate, it felt like the restart button had been pressed once more.

 If you are interested in attending a Circle of Security-Parenting Group, check out our website for groups coming up in your area.

Baby blind spots have to go

7th June marked the start of Infant Mental Health Week 2021. As a charity set up to support babies and toddlers in their early years, we know all about the importance of getting the right levels of help and support at the crucial time.

The First 1001 days (pregnancy to age 2) of a baby’s life is a significant and influential phase in development.  It gives us a window of opportunity because what happens in this period lays the foundation for every child’s future health, wellbeing and learning. This period lays down the foundations for emotional, relational and social world. 

We know only too well that the pandemic and lockdowns has had an impact on these first 1001 days for many thousands of babies.  We work with parents of babies 0-3 years; parents of teens and couples. A Royal Foundation study (Nov 2020) tracked a rise in parental loneliness from 38% to 63%. A different study of new mothers (Covid-19, New Mum Study) found the majority participants reported feeling down (56%), lonely (59%), irritable (62%), and worried (71%) to some extent since lockdown began.

We know that it’s been tough across the age spectrum but we also understand that if we do want to ‘build back better’ we need to seek to do what we can to support these most vulnerable members of our society.

We along with many others in the 1001 Movement have been alarmed by the findings of a recent survey of mental  health professionals carried out by the Parent Infant Foundation. They found that there is currently a ‘baby blind spot’ when it comes to training mental health practitioners and accessing mental health services. Of those interviewed, only 12% of clinical psychologists had received specific training to work with this age group. And shockingly only 9% of the 283 professionals who responded said they felt there was adequate provision for mental health support for babies and families at this most crucial time.

So we are calling on both central and local government to address this baby blind spot and work to ensure that all children across the UK can access appropriate mental health provision if and when they need it. 

Distressed and stressed babies aren’t necessarily as easy to spot or as obviously in need of our help but they and their families need this support right now. Getting it right prevents future struggles and difficulties into childhood, adolescence and adulthood. It makes sense on every level. So let’s all seek to work together to put these most precious members of our society first.

Written by Jenny Peters

Whenever possible follow my child’s lead

These six words form part of ’parenting in 25 words or less’ in the Circle of Security Parenting programme. They sound simple enough, but I was reminded of them again recently in a very powerful way.

As we emerge from Lockdown, many people are relieved, hoping for a ’return to normal.’ However  I think there is also a lot of anxiety and trepidation about being amongst people again. This is certainly the case in my household. Whilst for many of us we didn’t like having to stay at home so much and not see our friends, it did somehow become familiar. Now there is an expectation to get up at a certain time, travel to school or work, interact with people all day in new ways because of the pandemic, and come home again. Exhausting stuff! Maybe at times overwhelming. It may seem like everyone is having a great time and enjoying their new found freedom. However, I don’t think this is the case! Let’s take the time to share something of how it really is for us and for us to listen to one another’s stories.

In my family, screens have become a much too familiar way of communicating during the past year! They were used for online school learning, talking to friends, playing on a games console, connecting with family, ordering our shopping, joining a support group…..the list seems endless! Whilst I don’t think screens are a bad thing, I have grown concerned about how much me, and my children, have come to rely on them. At a particularly low point during the last Lockdown, our daughter had taken to writing to us through the medium of email – absurd really, given we live under the same roof!! Emails became a way for her to vent; to express her anger, frustration with the situation, her dislike of us. It’s hard not to take things personally, especially when they are written in black and white!

And then something changed. And it began with my daughter. One day I found her in her room cutting up a cardboard box. She made a hole in the top of the box and wrote ‘Post box’ across the side. She placed it on the landing and said we were to look in it every day. We then started receiving handwritten letters with lovely messages on them: “I enjoyed helping you at breakfast time today,” “Thanks for helping me with my homework”. I made the effort to return her messages with things I appreciated about her, to thank her for her kind words, and to let her know how much I love her. It doesn’t sound much, but it totally transformed the way we related to each other.

It really struck me how these tangible moments of repair had started with my child taking the lead. At a festival several years ago, I remember being a part of a large gathering in which all the children were asked to stand up and shout the words: “WE ARE NOT THE PROBLEM, WE ARE PART OF THE SOLUTION!” Powerful stuff! I remember feeling really emotional hearing this. I think oftentimes children and young people are blamed, judged, perhaps seen as ‘the problem’. Hearing young voices shout these words really shifted my mindset. In the difficult days of this pandemic, when I have felt bombarded with my children’s complex emotions, it has sometimes been so easy to see them as the problem. I’d like to thank my daughter for taking the first step to find a new and creative way for us to be-with one another.

Mental Health Awareness Week

This week is Mental Health Awareness Week. Our mental health is so important and deserves all the focus that this week should bring to it. But if we really want to begin to change the worrying statistics around mental health we need to do more than just be aware, we need to start taking action. Here are three areas where I think we should focus our attention.

Wider Wellbeing Wisdom

Of the three areas for action, this is the one in which most progress has been made. Growing up in the 1980’s mental health was only discussed in relation to people at crisis point. There was (at least in the circles I moved) next to no recognition of the steps we can all take to improve our mental wellbeing. Pioneers such as Dr Bruce Perry, Dr Dan Siegel and our very own Louise Bomber (Clinical Director TouchBase) have given us an understanding of how our brains work best, how stress and trauma impacts this and what we can do to combat it. In a great podcast for Connected Lives, Louise talked about 10 easy steps to dial down stress.

1. Breathe – The quickest way to get out of the panic/stress state and into the social engagement system is to breathe. Try the simple 4,2,6,2 exercise – breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 2, out for 6, hold for 2.

2. Power Posing – Turns out superheroes may have been onto something. If we strike a pose and hold it for even a minute, this can have a big impact on our sense of wellbeing.

3. Have a cuddle – Cuddling and touch is incredibly important. If a human or pet isn’t available wrap yourself in a blanket tightly.

4. Music – There are particular kinds of music such as monastic chants or apparently Joni Mitchell (something to do with the pentatonic scale) that soothe us.

5. Aerobic Movement – Anything that gets your heart rate up is good. Have a dance, jump on the spot.

6. Sing – In this instance tunefulness couldn’t matter less. Put on your favourite sing-along song and sing along!

7. Chew – One reason we snack when stressed is because chewing is good for us. The simple act of chewing stimulates the vagus nerve and that’s a very good thing for making us calmer. The crunchier and chewier the snack the better

8. Connection – Connecting with people who understand us, who are there for us and who care for us is hugely beneficial. Don’t be afraid to reach out and if you can’t access them imagine what they would say if they were sitting right next to you.

9. Laughing – Watching something funny that makes us laugh out loud dials down our stress systems.

10. Embrace wonder – The theme of this week’s mental health awareness week is nature. Focusing on something beautiful in nature, choosing to simply stop and be present is good for our minds and souls.

All of the above have an immediate impact on how we are feeling, engaging in them little and often can help dial down our stress systems and lead to better wellbeing. Of course none of the above will ‘heal us’ from a mental illness, in the same way that ‘five a day’ won’t cure an infection. But in the same way ‘five a day’ is good for our physical health, ‘ten a day’ is good for our mental health.

Targeted interventions at the earliest possible stage

Human beings are relational beings and there is a strong correlation between the strength and quality of our close relationships and our mental wellbeing. Relationships are essential but they are not always easy. It won’t come as any surprise to anyone who knows the work of Connected Lives that I believe in early intervention!

Having support available for families at the earliest possible time before they hit crisis point makes sense on every level. It’s easier to change patterns of relating before they have become intractable and well-worn; it is more cost effective and it heads off so many struggles and difficulties before they even begin. If I ruled the world I would ensure that every parent, carer and partner had access to groups such as Circle of Security-Parenting, where participants are given space and help in thinking about what their children need from them, where they struggle to meet these legitimate needs and how to change these instinctive ‘wired-in’ responses.

Lower thresholds for ‘crisis intervention’

CAMHS units are overwhelmed; individuals and families who would have previously met the criteria for support and help are being told they are not yet struggling enough to qualify for intervention. This means that while those who have the ability to pay can always get help, those for whom private therapy or support is out of the question are left waiting until the situation worsens. The majority of people don’t seek out help for the sake of it. They seek help when their own capacity to cope and adapt is not working. Offering help and support when families first need it and not requiring them to wait for weeks or months or worse still to come back only when it is a full-blown crisis, should be part of our primary mental health care strategy.

How wonderful it would be if by the next Mental Health Awareness week we could look and chart the progress we’ve made in all of these three areas. It won’t be easy but we are all most certainly worth it.

Jenny Peters, May 2021

Being-with: a gift of relationship

“It’s important to stop and do nothing sometimes.”

 How many of us have heard this? How many of us manage to ‘do nothing’?  This certainly isn’t something that comes easily to me. I wonder what unexpected things might open up for us when we are able to ‘be’, rather than to ‘do’?

The other day I was sitting in my garden waiting for someone to arrive at the door, so yes, I was doing something! I was waiting. The visitor was late to arrive and so I had the chance to sit and be. I put my legs up on a chair opposite me and enjoyed the sun. In this moment my pre-teen came up and sat on the chair where my feet were positioned and proceeded to put his legs up on mine. We sat like this for almost an hour, as he told me all about life at school – the most I have heard since he started at his new secondary school last September. I said virtually nothing. I listened. I was present.

 Looking back on this encounter – which I must say happens rarely with my twelve-year-old son – I began to wonder what had made this special moment possible. Revd Dr Samuel Wells describes such an encounter as ‘being-with’[1]. Wells says that ‘being-with’ involves showing up and paying attention. It doesn’t sound too difficult, does it?! Yet in the busyness of our lives, filled with our many thoughts, things that ‘have to be done’ and the pull of social media, the simplicity of presence and attention can be very difficult to achieve. Unusually, in fact very unusually, my mobile phone was not next to me and wasn’t even in the same place as me. Wells talks powerfully that in our world where being immediately contactable is a given, putting our mobile phone away is actually a way of saying “I love you.” [2]

 Similarly, the idea of ‘being-with’ is at the heart of the parenting group we run at Connected Lives - Circle of Security Parenting [3]. One of the things we reflect on during the group is to consider how able we are to ‘be-with’ our children in all of their feelings. This can depend on how able our own parents were to ‘be-with’ us in these emotions. As a facilitator, I find this exercise profound and for many parents this can be the starting point in a shift from thinking about parenting as a role to be done, and rather more as a relationship to be entered into.

 Many years ago, I went to live alongside people with learning disabilities in a L’Arche Community [4]. There I met a man whom I will call John who transformed my view of relationships. John did not speak, yet he taught me what ‘being-with’ looks like from the inside-out. John liked to spend time ‘being-with’ me. In his silence, in his presence, I came to know I was loved. Deeply loved. Loved in a way I had never known before.

Thanks to my visitor running late, I was given the opportunity to ‘be-with’ my son. This was not something I did to fill the time, but the real reason for being in the moment.

[1] A Nazareth Manifesto: Being with God. Samuel Wells. (2015).

[2] https://www.larche.org.uk/news/sam-wells-on-being-with-and-belonging-in-a-time-of-loneliness

[3] https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/ 

[4] https://www.larche.org.uk/

Helen Bell

Asking for Help

As we pass one year since the start of the first National Lockdown, I am reminded of a blog I wrote this time last year.

Much of the struggles and learnings I discovered then are still relevant now, so I wish to share it here...

It is week three of lockdown and I’ve been finding it tough.

Yes, it’s difficult not being able to go out freely, to meet friends, to greet someone with a handshake or a hug. These were things I enjoyed pre-Covid 19; things I took for granted.

I’m not the only one that has been finding it difficult in my house.

 My youngest child has been raging; shouting at me, getting angry at anything and anyone that might listen. To begin with I found myself thinking she was the problem, that “she’s just being difficult” and asking, “why can’t she be her happy, outgoing self?”

Then one day at the end of one of her rages, she shouted: “I’M LONELY, I’M MISSING MY FRIENDS! It’s alright for you, you don’t know what it’s like being 9 and being stuck inside!”

She is right. I don’t know what it is like to be her. In that moment of honesty, she helped me stand back and reflect. Reflection can be so difficult to find in the every day. And this is not the every day.

My daughter is old enough to be able to tell me something of her sadness, her frustration. Sometimes. For those of us with much younger children in our homes, we don’t often have this privilege. At times, when we find ourselves thinking negatively about our children, perhaps we need to ask “What is their behaviour communicating; what are they really trying to say?”

In that moment of honesty, my daughter taught me something else. Something about being vulnerable. She dared to show me how she was really feeling and that takes courage.

Often, conversations with friends turn to how much we want our children to grow up to find solutions to problems themselves, versus when they need to ask for help. Finding the right balance between the two is part of encouraging a secure attachment.

As an adult, I find this balance difficult. Growing up I relied on myself. A lot. Too much. To ask for help perhaps suggests weakness. We strive to be in control of ourselves, of others, of the world around us. Self-reliance and independence are positively encouraged in our society. Or at least they were, pre-Covid 19. Now I’m not so sure.

Henri Nouwen writes:

“Life is precious. Not because it is unchangeable, like a diamond, but because it is vulnerable, like a little bird. To love life means to love its vulnerability, asking for care, attention, guidance and support. Life and death are connected by vulnerability.” 

 I do think that if we are to flourish, to survive at these times and beyond this crisis, perhaps we need to be willing to take the risk of being vulnerable. To say “I’m struggling, I need help.”

Reference:

Henri J. M. Nouwen (2009). “Bread for the Journey: A Daybook of Wisdom and Faith”

The Image is from Charlie Mackesy’s book The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse

Helen Bell

Breathing in Delight

I have been thinking a lot about delight recently. But what is it? And how does it differ from enjoying being with someone? Delight is a need that our children want us to experience with them when they are happy and exploring things as well as when they want to come back into us and express a feeling that is difficult or just want a hug. Obviously, you are not delighting in the fact that they are sad or frightened but more in the knowledge that they have come to you for help.

During a training day with Kent Hoffman, one of the originators of COS-P, he said that the two most important things we can do for our children in the first year of life is to:

1)    delight in them

2)    soothe them

What wonderful gifts to give to our little ones!  

Delight is gratitude

I am currently reading Gregory Boyle’s inspiring book, ‘Tattoos on the Heart: The Power of Boundless Compassion’ and in it I am discovering some beautiful examples of delight in personal encounters. Gregory Boyle is a Jesuit Priest and founder of Homeboy Industries in a neighbourhood of Los Angeles. Homeboy Industries is a gang-intervention programme.

I’d like to share two stories from his book with you.

The first, is a conversation between himself and an eighteen-year-old dad of two, Spider. A young man whose parents abandoned him and his sister during childhood and they were left to bring themselves up. Gregory is giving him a lift home when Spider says:

“You know what I’m gonna do when I get home right now? I’m gonna sit down to eat with my lady and my two morritos. But, well…I don’t eat. I just watch them eat. My lady she gets crazy with me, but I don’t care. I just watch ‘em eat. They eat and eat and I just look at ‘em and thank God they’re in my life. When they’re done eating and I know they’re full, THEN I eat. And the truth…sometimes there’s food left and sometimes there isn’t.”

Gregory Boyle’s reflects on what Spider has to say:

‘The duty to delight is to stare at your family as they eat, anchored in the surest kind of gratitude – the sort that erases sacrifice and hardship and absorbs everything else….In the utter simplicity of breathing, we find how naturally inclined we are to delight and to stay dedicated to gladness.’

Isn’t that wonderful?! In the simple act of breathing, being in another’s presence, we can delight and be glad.

To delight in someone’s being

Boyle continues the theme of finding delight in a second more personal story of visiting his father in hospital after he has been diagnosed with a brain tumour. One thing his father had asked to be brought in is a pillow from his wife’s side of the bed. Boyle continues the story:

‘..I am at the window of his room, just north of the head of his bed. I’m about to make small talk about the view from up here, but I turn and see that my father has placed the flowery pillow over his face. He breathes in so deeply and then exhales, as he places the pillow behind his head. For the rest of the morning, I catch him turning and savouring again the scent of the woman whose bed he’s shared for nearly half a century. We breathe in the spirit that delights in our being – the fragrance of it. And it works on us.’

To delight in someone’s being – it sounds simple doesn’t it? Yet it can be so difficult.

Stand back and watch

Reading these two encounters, I am struck by the place that observation plays; Spider watches his family eat, Boyle watches his dad inhale his mum’s scent left on the pillow. Learning to observe our children, to truly stand back and notice them, is a key skill we encourage parents and carers to do when they attend a Circle of Security Parenting Group.

I remember a Health Professional suggesting to me to stand back and watch my child. To be curious about who they are, how they spend their time. Not to intervene or to put my interpretation on it. At first, I thought I couldn’t possibly do this! I didn’t want to do this! I was having a hard time with my child and the last thing I felt like doing was spending more time with them. But I did it. I stood back. I breathed and for a while I looked, I really looked at my child and who they are, not what I thought they were. And it was wonderful. My child was wonderful. I was able to experience a delight in their being. A delight that had got lost in the problems, the worries, the busyness of life.

So, let’s try standing back sometimes, taking a breath and perhaps we can once again delight in the being of those closest to us.

 Helen Bell, 18th March 2021

Reference: Tattoos on the heart: the power of boundless compassion. Gregory Boyle. 2010

Home: A Safe Haven

For many of us, this week has been the first time in 2021 that we have been apart from our children for any length of time. Children are returning to schools after a break that is much longer than the usual 6-week summer holidays. We have been dropping off our children at school, or saying goodbye to them at home. Moments of separation (‘going out’) and return (‘coming in’) bring with them a host of emotions, both for us and for them.

So, how might we welcome our children home at the end of a school day?

The first thing to say is that although all children are different, we need to, in the language of Circle of Security Parenting, whenever possible, follow our child’s lead.

For some children this might mean some quiet time by themselves to do what they want to do.

I used to struggle with this when my child was younger; I’m one of these people that likes to get back from a place and sit down and talk to someone, to think out loud and work things out. I’ve come to realise my child isn’t like that. For them my constant bombardment of questions, “So how’s your day? Who did you play with? What did you have for lunch?...” was experienced as intrusive.

My first child had always enjoyed coming home and having a chat about their day. Number two was different and this was an important lesson to me. Each of my children has a mind of their own; they are their own person with their own unique character.

Even though my child didn’t want a full inquisition on their arrival home, what they did need was for me to be emotionally available – that is, just to be there, not being preoccupied about other stuff – so that when they did want to talk or just to get alongside me, they knew I was there just for them.

Copyright 2016 Cooper, Hoffman & Powell, Circle of Security International

As adults, when we get home having someone else to work things out with, can be helpful and it’s no different for children. Having the presence of another caring person to help organise our feelings is a valuable task.

Helping our children work out their thoughts and feelings when they are young will help them as they grow, enable them to make sense of things for themselves, and to look for trusted others to help them carry on with this ‘stuff of life’.

Homecoming - a place of familiarity

Whenever I have been away, what I love about coming home are the familiar smells, sounds and objects that are precious only to me. For our children, familiarity is important too. My youngest child used to come home and the first thing that they would do would be to go to their room and make sure that their teddy was waiting for them. A favourite food or song might be other ways that our children know they have returned to their safe haven, and that ‘everything is ok.’ 

Returning and returning again

It is not unusual for children to behave in ways younger than their age after they have made a step of exploration. For example, some children might asked to be “cuddled like a baby” or to seek out toys they have not played with for many months.

This is nothing to be concerned about; we all at times like to revisit places inside of us that make us feel safe and nurtured. Allow your child to return to these places and to move on when they feel ready.

If your child has returned home knowing a younger sibling has not been away from the hands on the circle, feelings of envy and needing to be the little one might be more pronounced. If possible, try and find some time with your older child alone, for example when your younger one is sleeping.

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity” Simone Weil

So, where do I struggle with my emotions?

For some of us, letting our children go out into the ‘big wide world’ is a daunting prospect – letting them ‘go out’ to explore makes us feel nervous and uncomfortable.

For others, comforting our child on their return when they want to ‘come in’ for a cuddle or reassurance leaves us feeling uneasy.

Reflecting on our own feelings will help with this. ‘Going out’ strugglers might find saying goodbye tough, whilst ‘Coming in’ strugglers feel uneasy at the point of reunion. Knowing what makes us uncomfortable is a good starting place.

Being able to sit with our own discomfort whilst we meet the needs of our child is the best we can give, sometimes easier than at other times, as this builds the most important thing we have with our children - our relationship with them.

If you are parenting as a couple, it might be worth working out with each other where your struggles are, and if it differs, and is practically possible, share the task. Or book onto a Circle of Security Parenting Course to help figure out these things a bit more.

I wish you well as you welcome your children home.

Helen Bell, 12th March 2021

Mind the Gap

This week I’ve been pondering the gap. Not the gap between the station platform and tube train (which at some stations on some lines really requires attention) but the gap between how we want to behave towards loved ones and how things often play out in real time.

I have worked with hundreds of parents and partners in the last 26 years. All of them wanted to be good parents and loving partners. And nearly all of them struggled to a greater or lesser extent in achieving that. What’s going on? Why is there this gap and is there any way of stepping over it?

Many of us stuck in perpetual lockdown have lamented the kinds of parents or partners we’ve become as we juggle work, family, school, sanity etc. But leaving aside the pandemic for one moment (and won’t it be nice to do that FOR EVER), in ‘normal’ or ‘new normal life’ we can also find that intentionality simply isn’t enough.

There are many theories as to why this is the case – the one that works best for me will come as no surprise to anyone who’s read pretty much anything I’ve ever written is attachment theory. The fundamental drive for connection and attachment was first developed by Bowlby and has more recently been ‘backed up’ by neuroscience. Babies are born with immature brains, particularly vulnerable during their first three years of life whilst neuronal development takes place. The emotional responsiveness of their parents ‘builds’ healthy brains. For example, babies as young as 9 months know which emotions their parents are comfortable or uncomfortable with. Babies are incredibly sensitive to their parent’s cues and effectively learn how relationships work from an early age. Because this ‘knowing’ is picked up at such a young age (and because of where in our brain we store the information) we have instinctive responses to situations and emotions without knowing why. This knowing turns out to be pretty persistent and consistent e.g. if our parent was uncomfortable with anger, we may struggle when our partner is angry; we are also likely to struggle with angry children too. If we find it hard to deal with sadness and disappointment with our small children, this is likely to persist into their teenage years.

These and later ‘lessons in love’ can go on to affect and sometimes harm our current relationships with spouses and children. So what we need is a way of helping parents and partners understand the lessons in love that they have picked up and that have an on-going impact on them. This involves being brave enough to search and know ourselves at a slightly deeper emotional level which will then help all our family relationships across the board.

In my experience of running attachment-based parenting groups over the last 11 years I have seen many well-intentioned parents missing huge areas of need in their children (be it taking charge in a kind way or helping make sense of tough emotions). They don’t intend to dismiss or ignore these needs but their own ‘lessons in love’ have been wired in at such a level that until they take time to think and reflect they simply don’t know what they are doing. We need spaces where we are helped to see our children’s need and then understand why they find it so hard to meet some of them. Without this time and insight parents often repeat the patterns of their parents.

There are three steps across the gap:

• Firstly we need a way of decoding behaviour, to see what our children need from us and when (again the map created by attachment theory seems to be the most user friendly to me).

• Secondly we need to step back and start to see the patterns that play out – some people can do this simply by reading a well-written book or article, and applying it to their life. The vast majority of us cannot do this because these things are wired so deep that we can’t get perspective on our own. We need other relationships, other people to walk with us and help us take that step back.

• Finally we need to be able to reflect in a blame free, shame free space as to what is going on.

So for anyone reading this who is thinking ‘why did I just do that?’ or ‘what the heck is going on with them?’ I’d encourage you to seek out a group, a space where the gap can be seen and you’ll get the help you need to take the steps over it.

Jenny Peters

4.3.21

Seeing in the moment

I wish to share a conversation I had with a mum some time ago whose first language is not English. I was reminded of this recently as we commemorate ‘International Mother Language Day’ (21st February). This day was started by UNESCO in 1999 to promote linguistic and cultural diversity, as well as multilingualism. Circle of Security Parenting is a way of being-with our children that crosses language and cultural divides. The programme has already been translated into 13 languages and is available in many countries worldwide.

A moment of connection

What might be seen as a ‘chance encounter’, was for me a moment I paid close attention to; a moment of connection with another mum. Travelling on the same train, journeying along the same path, trying to figure out what it means to be a parent.

 My eldest daughter sat doodling on her phone, my youngest, practising her drawing skills out of a book she had just got. I sat trying to sketch my daughter in the style of Picasso (and failing!).

Fellow traveller: “I suppose they like drawing because you like drawing. They are like you. My child is angry every day, she doesn’t listen to me.”

In this brief moment, from the outside, you might have mistaken us as a harmonious family - perfectly in synch with each other’s likes and needs.

 Such danger in comparisons! They can leave us feeling rubbish, inadequate. Yes, for a brief moment the three of us were in synchrony, but that is far from the whole story. A glimpse like this into how a family works is never the full picture.

Me: “Yes I suppose they do like drawing, like I do.”

In that moment I caught myself unexpectedly feeling proud, proud that they shared something in common with me! Perhaps I have passed on something to them, something that is good. All too often I think we are worried that we will pass on things from our upbringing that we are less proud of.

We can choose to parent differently to how we were parented

 That’s what I love about Circle of Security Parenting; whilst we bring our experiences with us, there are times when we have a choice point – a time to choose to do it ‘the way it’s always been done’, or a time to do it differently.

The wonderful Kent Hoffman writes:

‘It’s never too late. Our identity is deeper than our history. New options abound when we begin to recognise them.’

Fellow traveller: “My daughter refuses to read. She won’t sit there like that. She just watches TV with her grandmother.”

 We talked some more, the mum told me her daughter is three – much younger than my children.

Me: “Three-year-olds can be hard work. They have so much energy, they cannot concentrate for long.”

We can spend so much time worrying about our children’s future that we miss the present moment. 

Richard Rohr¹, Franciscan Priest and founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation, New Mexico, writes:

‘We determine what we will see and what we won’t see, what we pay attention to and what we don’t. That’s why we have to clean the lens: we have to get our ego-agenda out of the way, so we can see things as they are.’

I am grateful I had the space to journey with this mum; to see in the moment.

As parents we need to ‘wipe the mirror’ every day so that we can see our children for who they are, not what we expect them to be.

And along the way, let’s be kind to ourselves.

References

1. Richard Rohr quote from Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer

 Helen Bell

26/02/21

Valentine's Day

Roses, are red, violets are blue, lockdown Valentine’s Day 2021 stinks for me and for you.

Valentine’s Day is often a bit of a mixed bag. We love it if a new crush emerges or we use it to celebrate our relationship. We hate it if we detest the commercialisation, don’t like being made to express love on a particular day in a particular way or, at that particular time, don’t have anyone to celebrate with. Valentine’s Day in the middle of a pandemic when we’ve all been locked in for months, is something else. For the 40% of the UK population who don’t live in a couple there haven’t been hurdles to overcome to find love and connection there have been enormous great walls. Valentine’s Day 2021 – all the pain and none of the fun. So what do to? Ignore and move on or salvage what we can?

As you might guess (otherwise what would there be to write about) how about trying to salvage what we can and mark the day to help get us all through this perpetual, never ending and ceaseless lockdown.

Reach Out – Right here right now we all need a bit of TLC. So let’s use this day to reach out to those we love (friends, family, romantic partners) and tell them they matter, they are important to us, that we have kept them in mind. Emotional closeness at a time of physical distancing sure isn’t easy but it’s worth a try. A friend sent me a tea bag at the start of last century’s lockdown to say ‘can’t wait until we can sit and have a cup of tea together’. It was thoughtful, kind, cost very little and made me feel loved. Presents don’t have to be expensive, the best ones are often the thoughtful and personal ones. Get creative.

1. Glam up – We all have ‘going out’ clothes that we can’t go out in. Those clothes are just hanging around our wardrobes Speaking personally I’ve worn nothing but leggings, sweatshirts, slippers and wellies since August. So how about we decide whatever our situation that we will glam up for this Valentine’s Day. There’s something about dressing up that makes the day a little bit less mundane. On Christmas Eve bereft of friends and wider family my family decided to (well I told them they had to) dress up black tie smart for Christmas Eve. To be strictly honest, my son, dressed exactly how he always dresses but did manage to put a tie around his neck, we let it go, it was a big effort for him. Did it bring our friends and family around, no it did not, was a meal with the same 5 people that have spent way more time together than any of us had ever planned? Yes it was, but it made the occasion a touch more fun. And I don’t know about you but small increments are about all I can manage right now.

2. Dance, dance, dance – As Louise Bomber reminded us all in a Connected Lives Seminar this week, moving and music are good for dialling down our stress systems and making us feel calmer and happier. So put on your favourite dance along, sing along tracks and dance like no one is watching.

This Valentine’s Day may not be anything like ideal but we can be intentional about choosing to add a little glamour and fun to this day in the middle of this seemingly never ending time.

Jenny Peters

12th February 2021