Home: A Safe Haven
For many of us, this week has been the first time in 2021 that we have been apart from our children for any length of time. Children are returning to schools after a break that is much longer than the usual 6-week summer holidays. We have been dropping off our children at school, or saying goodbye to them at home. Moments of separation (‘going out’) and return (‘coming in’) bring with them a host of emotions, both for us and for them.
So, how might we welcome our children home at the end of a school day?
The first thing to say is that although all children are different, we need to, in the language of Circle of Security Parenting, whenever possible, follow our child’s lead.
For some children this might mean some quiet time by themselves to do what they want to do.
I used to struggle with this when my child was younger; I’m one of these people that likes to get back from a place and sit down and talk to someone, to think out loud and work things out. I’ve come to realise my child isn’t like that. For them my constant bombardment of questions, “So how’s your day? Who did you play with? What did you have for lunch?...” was experienced as intrusive.
My first child had always enjoyed coming home and having a chat about their day. Number two was different and this was an important lesson to me. Each of my children has a mind of their own; they are their own person with their own unique character.
Even though my child didn’t want a full inquisition on their arrival home, what they did need was for me to be emotionally available – that is, just to be there, not being preoccupied about other stuff – so that when they did want to talk or just to get alongside me, they knew I was there just for them.
Copyright 2016 Cooper, Hoffman & Powell, Circle of Security International
As adults, when we get home having someone else to work things out with, can be helpful and it’s no different for children. Having the presence of another caring person to help organise our feelings is a valuable task.
Helping our children work out their thoughts and feelings when they are young will help them as they grow, enable them to make sense of things for themselves, and to look for trusted others to help them carry on with this ‘stuff of life’.
Homecoming - a place of familiarity
Whenever I have been away, what I love about coming home are the familiar smells, sounds and objects that are precious only to me. For our children, familiarity is important too. My youngest child used to come home and the first thing that they would do would be to go to their room and make sure that their teddy was waiting for them. A favourite food or song might be other ways that our children know they have returned to their safe haven, and that ‘everything is ok.’
Returning and returning again
It is not unusual for children to behave in ways younger than their age after they have made a step of exploration. For example, some children might asked to be “cuddled like a baby” or to seek out toys they have not played with for many months.
This is nothing to be concerned about; we all at times like to revisit places inside of us that make us feel safe and nurtured. Allow your child to return to these places and to move on when they feel ready.
If your child has returned home knowing a younger sibling has not been away from the hands on the circle, feelings of envy and needing to be the little one might be more pronounced. If possible, try and find some time with your older child alone, for example when your younger one is sleeping.
“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity” Simone Weil
So, where do I struggle with my emotions?
For some of us, letting our children go out into the ‘big wide world’ is a daunting prospect – letting them ‘go out’ to explore makes us feel nervous and uncomfortable.
For others, comforting our child on their return when they want to ‘come in’ for a cuddle or reassurance leaves us feeling uneasy.
Reflecting on our own feelings will help with this. ‘Going out’ strugglers might find saying goodbye tough, whilst ‘Coming in’ strugglers feel uneasy at the point of reunion. Knowing what makes us uncomfortable is a good starting place.
Being able to sit with our own discomfort whilst we meet the needs of our child is the best we can give, sometimes easier than at other times, as this builds the most important thing we have with our children - our relationship with them.
If you are parenting as a couple, it might be worth working out with each other where your struggles are, and if it differs, and is practically possible, share the task. Or book onto a Circle of Security Parenting Course to help figure out these things a bit more.
I wish you well as you welcome your children home.
Helen Bell, 12th March 2021