“Did you see that coming?”
Recently I was sat in my kitchen with the doors open, enjoying the hot weather we have been having, when suddenly the sky darkened and the atmosphere changed. It felt like rain was on the way. I quickly stood up and closed the doors. Shortly afterwards my husband came downstairs and commented, “Did you see that coming?” We were both pleased I had acted early enough to stop the rain- which was torrential when it came – pour in to the house.
This reminded me of how it can be helpful to step in early with our own children, to ward off the emotional downpour that might follow if we miss the early warning signs. Here I share two examples, offered by a parent who has completed the Circle of Security Parenting Group, the parenting course that we run at Connected Lives and how she was able to step in early enough with their own children*.
“I got a moment with my daughter yesterday when she expressed sadness at missing some of her friends in her class. Rather than buck her up and jolly her along, I paused what I was doing and reflected back to her that yes, it’s hard and sad to miss friends. Then after a suitable time of us both looking gloomy and pondering the loss, I gently pointed out that post bubbles in September she will be able to play with them at break time and on play dates at home. She brightened at this thought and got on with her afternoon.”
“Last week when my son was stressing about a Shakespeare assignment and I agreed 400-year-old English is tough, I sat with him to hold his anxiety while he did the homework. I nipped out, came back and like a toddler on a bicycle, he’d got some speed and confidence up on his own. If I wasn’t able to be-with him in the moment, I think he’d have remained stuck. For other parents who think they’ve left it too late (I do at least 10 times a day), I’m seeing I can keep repairing and building missing self-regulation circuits in my children, even if long past babyhood.”
Emotional Attunement
What I love about these examples is the way in which this parent is attuned to her children; she notices their struggle. Whether it is her daughter’s sadness at missing friends, or her son grappling with his English homework. Similarly, as I sat in my kitchen, I noticed a change outside; the sky darkened, the temperature changed and I could sense in my body that a storm was on the way. Noticing that our children might not be doing so well maybe a gut feeling, something intuitive we feel in our body. It might not be the words they use, or even how they communicate through their behaviour. It might be more subtle than this, a mood or feeling we pick up from them. The other aspect of these examples I really like is how quickly both children were able to get on with their day, rather than being stuck, paralysed from moving on. Sometimes we might think engaging with our children is going to take up a lot of our time, preventing us from getting on with other tasks. It’s encouraging to be reminded that this isn’t necessarily the case.
Paying Attention
This mum took time to notice how her children were doing, such an important gift! And one that isn’t as easy as it sounds with the many demands and preoccupations that fill our busy lives. I was able to notice the early signs of the storm because I was sat for a moment, not occupied by other things. For my husband, he was busy doing something else so was grateful for me closing the doors. It was only when the rain came that he paid attention.
Yet be encouraged – we won’t always see the warning signs or get in early enough before the rain comes and all havoc breaks loose. We can still be there alongside our children in the storm. And afterwards, when the rain subsides and there is calm, we can look forward to the rainbow.
Helen Bell
*Identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality
