Being Real

I turned on the radio a few weeks ago and I was delighted to hear the voice of Shlomo (@SKShlomo), international beatboxer from an Iraqi-Jewish-German heritage. Other members of my family have long been fans of Shlomo and they have regularly listened to him perform live at an annual festival we attended prior to the pandemic. To be honest, his music had never really moved me and I didn’t really see what the big deal was about! Then in 2019 this all changed. I went to one of Shlomo’s gigs with my daughter and I was blown away. It was not just his musicianship that had an impact on me, though certainly he is clearly brilliant, but also the way in which he related to his audience - including many children. He seemed different, softer somehow, and I was different because of this encounter with him.  

I was reminded of this again when I heard him on the radio and my curiosity was renewed as to what this change might be about. In the radio interview, Shlomo spoke about how as a child finding music was a way of “successfully being different”. He started performing from a young age and he said, on reflection, this acted as a “constant distraction from reality.” Then in 2017 Shlomo stopped touring, with the intention of making an album. Once he stopped, he broke down. He no longer had the “constant stream of approval” that had sustained him. He was alone with his thoughts and his memories. The album he went on to write was about his own mental health struggle and in the interview, he says how he realised that if he was to share this album, he needed to start talking about his own trauma.

Wow! What a powerful testimony! So, “why are you writing about this in a blog?” I hear you ask. Well for many reasons, though at the heart of it I suppose it is the story of a person who has faced childhood adversity and now as an adult is processing this, as these experiences continue to shape him and those around him. Connected Lives is about supporting people in their journey as parents and as couples. To help people make sense of their lived experiences; to be alongside people as they navigate relationships that matter to them.

Stop

The first thing that strikes me listening to Shlomo talking is that it is when he stopped, he changed. He had for many years been busy doing; on the road performing. Now he was alone with his thoughts; a shift from doing to being. I think this can be quite a scary shift to make and perhaps for many of us we go through our lives, constantly busy, always on the go. I wonder how the pandemic and the enforced nationwide call to stop affected us? And now, as the busyness creeps back into our lives, how does this change us again?

Be vulnerable

The second thing I paid attention to in Shlomo’s interview was this: “as soon as I started being real, I got lots and lots of support.” Amazing! To ‘be real’ I think takes great courage and vulnerability. Over and over again I see how parents attending a Circle of Security Parenting Group take risks to show something of their ‘true selves’ and as a consequence experience both support from others and personal change. Inner transformation has a powerful effect on those around us. At the end of one COS-P group a parent reflected that her child had not changed yet because she first needs to change; to do the necessary inner work which will then help her child. What amazing insight!

Be yourself

A third aspect of Shlomo’s conversation that interests me is what might be called ‘generational trauma’; the trauma that in Shlomo’s words is in our DNA and comes out through our behaviour. Circle of Security Parenting can offer one path to helping parents stop, stand back and reflect on what they carry with them, in their bodies and in their actions. Alongside giving parents “lots and lots of therapy,” Shlomo says we need to “teach our children it’s okay to have those so-called negative emotions, we have to be allowed to cry, especially boys, we have to be allowed to just let it out in a safe way.”

 I think there is a lot of wisdom in Shlomo’s words. After all, if we want to raise our children to be secure in themselves and to relate well to others, we need to be real. Shlomo ends by saying:

“I am different, and there are children watching me, so I am like, ‘kids be yourself, let’s do it!’”

If you are interested in joining a Circle of Security Parenting Group, check out our website to see what groups are happening this Autumn.

https://beatboxadventures.com/news/getting-deep-on-national-radio

Written by Helen Bell