Asking for Help
As we pass one year since the start of the first National Lockdown, I am reminded of a blog I wrote this time last year.
Much of the struggles and learnings I discovered then are still relevant now, so I wish to share it here...
It is week three of lockdown and I’ve been finding it tough.
Yes, it’s difficult not being able to go out freely, to meet friends, to greet someone with a handshake or a hug. These were things I enjoyed pre-Covid 19; things I took for granted.
I’m not the only one that has been finding it difficult in my house.
My youngest child has been raging; shouting at me, getting angry at anything and anyone that might listen. To begin with I found myself thinking she was the problem, that “she’s just being difficult” and asking, “why can’t she be her happy, outgoing self?”
Then one day at the end of one of her rages, she shouted: “I’M LONELY, I’M MISSING MY FRIENDS! It’s alright for you, you don’t know what it’s like being 9 and being stuck inside!”
She is right. I don’t know what it is like to be her. In that moment of honesty, she helped me stand back and reflect. Reflection can be so difficult to find in the every day. And this is not the every day.
My daughter is old enough to be able to tell me something of her sadness, her frustration. Sometimes. For those of us with much younger children in our homes, we don’t often have this privilege. At times, when we find ourselves thinking negatively about our children, perhaps we need to ask “What is their behaviour communicating; what are they really trying to say?”
In that moment of honesty, my daughter taught me something else. Something about being vulnerable. She dared to show me how she was really feeling and that takes courage.
Often, conversations with friends turn to how much we want our children to grow up to find solutions to problems themselves, versus when they need to ask for help. Finding the right balance between the two is part of encouraging a secure attachment.
As an adult, I find this balance difficult. Growing up I relied on myself. A lot. Too much. To ask for help perhaps suggests weakness. We strive to be in control of ourselves, of others, of the world around us. Self-reliance and independence are positively encouraged in our society. Or at least they were, pre-Covid 19. Now I’m not so sure.
Henri Nouwen writes:
“Life is precious. Not because it is unchangeable, like a diamond, but because it is vulnerable, like a little bird. To love life means to love its vulnerability, asking for care, attention, guidance and support. Life and death are connected by vulnerability.”
I do think that if we are to flourish, to survive at these times and beyond this crisis, perhaps we need to be willing to take the risk of being vulnerable. To say “I’m struggling, I need help.”
Reference:
Henri J. M. Nouwen (2009). “Bread for the Journey: A Daybook of Wisdom and Faith”
The Image is from Charlie Mackesy’s book The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse
Helen Bell