Seeing in the moment
I wish to share a conversation I had with a mum some time ago whose first language is not English. I was reminded of this recently as we commemorate ‘International Mother Language Day’ (21st February). This day was started by UNESCO in 1999 to promote linguistic and cultural diversity, as well as multilingualism. Circle of Security Parenting is a way of being-with our children that crosses language and cultural divides. The programme has already been translated into 13 languages and is available in many countries worldwide.
A moment of connection
What might be seen as a ‘chance encounter’, was for me a moment I paid close attention to; a moment of connection with another mum. Travelling on the same train, journeying along the same path, trying to figure out what it means to be a parent.
My eldest daughter sat doodling on her phone, my youngest, practising her drawing skills out of a book she had just got. I sat trying to sketch my daughter in the style of Picasso (and failing!).
Fellow traveller: “I suppose they like drawing because you like drawing. They are like you. My child is angry every day, she doesn’t listen to me.”
In this brief moment, from the outside, you might have mistaken us as a harmonious family - perfectly in synch with each other’s likes and needs.
Such danger in comparisons! They can leave us feeling rubbish, inadequate. Yes, for a brief moment the three of us were in synchrony, but that is far from the whole story. A glimpse like this into how a family works is never the full picture.
Me: “Yes I suppose they do like drawing, like I do.”
In that moment I caught myself unexpectedly feeling proud, proud that they shared something in common with me! Perhaps I have passed on something to them, something that is good. All too often I think we are worried that we will pass on things from our upbringing that we are less proud of.
We can choose to parent differently to how we were parented
That’s what I love about Circle of Security Parenting; whilst we bring our experiences with us, there are times when we have a choice point – a time to choose to do it ‘the way it’s always been done’, or a time to do it differently.
The wonderful Kent Hoffman writes:
‘It’s never too late. Our identity is deeper than our history. New options abound when we begin to recognise them.’
Fellow traveller: “My daughter refuses to read. She won’t sit there like that. She just watches TV with her grandmother.”
We talked some more, the mum told me her daughter is three – much younger than my children.
Me: “Three-year-olds can be hard work. They have so much energy, they cannot concentrate for long.”
We can spend so much time worrying about our children’s future that we miss the present moment.
Richard Rohr¹, Franciscan Priest and founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation, New Mexico, writes:
‘We determine what we will see and what we won’t see, what we pay attention to and what we don’t. That’s why we have to clean the lens: we have to get our ego-agenda out of the way, so we can see things as they are.’
I am grateful I had the space to journey with this mum; to see in the moment.
As parents we need to ‘wipe the mirror’ every day so that we can see our children for who they are, not what we expect them to be.
And along the way, let’s be kind to ourselves.
References
1. Richard Rohr quote from Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer
Helen Bell
26/02/21