Hit the Restart
“I feel safe with you” “You’re awesome”
These are comments two young children said to their parents after they had attended a Circle of Security-Parenting Group. What wonderful comments! What an amazing testament to all the hard work these families have put into making a change in their relationships with their children.
Change is not just a possibility for these families, but is possible for ALL of us, even amidst the daily grind of parenthood.
So how can we make a change? To find a way to connect with our children?
This can be so hard, especially when our energy levels are low and we have so many demands on our time. The last 16 months have taken its toll on many of us and our relationships. We can get into unhelpful patterns of relating and thinking about our children. Perhaps viewing them as being ‘difficult’ or failing to see them as they really are.
This is certainly true for me, as I realised the enjoyment of being with my child was hard to find. “Time to do something different!” I thought. In the words of the band Newsboys, time for me to hit the restart!
Here’s my story.
I waited outside the school gate for my child to appear. The first time I had seen them at their new ‘big school’ since Covid began. I waited and waited. Streams of big children poured out of the gates, making me feel small in comparison! Finally, they appeared, swamped in their new uniform, looking small beside many of the students surrounding them. I felt a new wave of love wash over me; a desire to protect them and a sense of pride: “this is my child”. We met and went to have a drink in a local café. Just the two of us. Face to face, in a different place. My child talked. I listened. We went home.
My intention in meeting my child was to have some one-to-one time, uninterrupted, in a different space to where we spend most of our time together, that is, at home! All this was good and yes it helped to set us on a new path of connecting. But what surprised me the most was the shift in me when I saw my child at the school gate. In my mind my child had grown in size and age; displaying arrogance and bravado like an older adolescent. Yet in reality when I saw them, I thought, “wow, I’d forgotten how little you are, you have a lot to get used to, and maybe sometimes you need my help.”
It is so easy to stop seeing our children for who they actually are; to miss how they might be feeling underneath the behaviour they show us.
In this moment of me stopping, standing back and watching my child afresh I caught a glimpse of perhaps the anxious new kid on the block; someone trying to find their way in the world and negotiating lots of novel things.
When we wake in the morning, I believe that we do have a new opportunity to start over, to see our children for who they truly are and what they need from us. I am not denying this is hard work and we have to start over many times. But it is worth it!
As I saw my child walk through the school gate, it felt like the restart button had been pressed once more.
If you are interested in attending a Circle of Security-Parenting Group, check out our website for groups coming up in your area.