Taking up space: unashamedly
Recently I came across the poem Unashamed performed by the amazing poet and artist Harry Baker.
I have seen Harry perform live several times and hearing him again brought back good memories. I am always struck by Harry’s ease in using words. He is often funny, clever and at times the poems really stir my spirit. Harry’s poem Unashamed is one such poem that moves my heart and soul.
Harry writes that he wrote the poem Unashamed for a friend during lockdown and that it has now become a New Year’s Resolution to himself. I think I am going to follow Harry’s lead and make this poem a guiding light for me at the start of this challenging year!
‘Home is where you can be open-hearted’
Unashamed got me thinking about what it has been like for me, for so many of us, during these periods of lockdown. Spending more time at home with our families, maybe a partner, our children. For some they have found themselves with someone they perhaps would not choose to be with. For me, yes, I love my family very much, but on the whole, I am not usually with them 24/7!
During the first lockdown I realised my children were seeing me do things, be things they hadn’t really ever seen before, or certainly not since they were much younger children, before they started school. As I carried out routine everyday tasks that form part of running a household and a family, such as cleaning and washing, one of my children reflected that being an adult must be “so boring!”
Spending more time at home my children also see me in different ‘hats’; for example, the way I might speak to others on a call whilst I am working, the time I spend at the computer, the time I spend ironing their clothes. At times I find their gaze intrusive. I realise that they are perhaps seeing more of me than I am immediately comfortable with. This got me wondering. How much of myself do I show to others? To myself? How truly ‘open-hearted’ am I really? Over the years I think I have become quite adept at hiding away parts of myself; for others to see, in Harry’s words, ‘the small of me.’ Why might this be?
Watching our children does not sound much, but it is huge
Circle of Security Parenting has formed part of my journey that helps me understand this better. COS-P offers a user-friendly map of attachment theory. It describes the different needs our children, in fact all of us have, and the importance of these needs to be met.
Children love us to watch them, don’t they? Maybe you have been at the park with your child and they are on the swing, swinging higher and higher. Your child calls out, “Look at me, look at me!” Often times they don’t want us to do anything, but ‘just’ watch them. Watching our child does not sound much, but it is huge. For our children to know that we delight in them, that we want to know them, to see the all of them is crucial. It helps them to grow in the knowledge that they are worth knowing, that they are amazing. In the words of the poet, that they are adored for who they are, not for what is adorning them.
What does it mean to be seen, truly seen?
Like our children, we are amazing!
For some of us being seen, truly seen, might make us feel uncomfortable. To show the flawed broken parts of ourselves, the foolish bits as well as the wise can make us feel vulnerable. Becoming a parent is for me a new way of learning to share more of myself; to open up enough to let my children see beneath the surface. And this is wonderful, and at times scary!
My hope this year is that, like in Unashamed, instead of building up a fort around myself I can make a rocket ship; a big, wonderful, adventure-filled creation with endless possibilities.
Perhaps you would like to listen to Harry’s poem and see what stands out for you?
Helen Bell
8/2/21