I Don't Know
“Why can’t the school just say they don’t know when we will be going back, rather than keep changing the date?”
This was my teenager’s question when we received yet another email from their school about when they are to return in the new year. A question that got me thinking; why couldn’t they say “I don’t know”?
Why is it that for so many of us these three words, “I don’t know,” are so hard to say?
There has been so much not knowing in 2020. A year marked by uncertainty, changed plans, disappointment, unexpected events, a feeling of being out of control. For most of us I think we seek certainty. This is true for one of my children. “What time is dinner?”, “When will we be going out?”, “How many minutes till bedtime?” Many questions all with the underlying wish for certainty, that the world is a predictable and safe place.
Certainty helps us feel secure, it gives us a sense of what is to come. If we say we don’t know, perhaps we fear looking stupid, maybe we worry about showing our weaknesses. Where do we find our security? In what do we put our trust?
Young children look to their parents for answers
For very young children, they look to their parents for the answers. They believe that we know it all. That we can answer any question that starts with “why?” and perhaps for a time we can. However, they reach an age, or perhaps something happens in their little life, when they realise that we do not have all the answers. For me, trying to home-school during the first lockdown I think was one such moment of revelation for my child!
“Mum doesn’t have all the answers.”
I might not have the answer. Often times I don’t. But what I do try to be for my children is to stay connected, to be the hands for them. ‘Being the Hands’ is an idea we explore during Circle of Security Parenting groups. How can I as a parent, stay on the circle? How can I be someone whom they know will still be there for them when they try out new things (a ‘secure base’) and a place for them to come home to when they need to rage or seek comfort (a ‘safe haven’)?
Connection helps us feel secure
The Circle of Security Parenting group is a safe space to say, “I am struggling”, “I don’t know”. A place for us to show our weaknesses and to know that it is okay because we are not alone. We are in it together. A chance to explore how we might stay connected through times of uncertainty, which let’s face it, is all the time. For our children to know that they have something, someone they can trust.
I am proud of my teenager to be okay with the not knowing when they will return to school. I hope I can be there with them on the circle, whatever 2021 brings. As we walk through 2021, I hope that I can continue to trust in the not knowing. To be okay with the uncertainty, certain that I am not alone.
Helen Bell
Written 31/12/20