Worthwhile and Visible
I wrote this while I was recovering at home from Covid. A cruel illness, I think made so much harder because of the sense of enforced isolation and aloneness. The guidance is ‘isolate for ten days’; ‘stay away from others’; ‘wear a mask.’ So counterintuitive to me; I enjoy being with people, making connections, looking at people’s faces.
As humans we are programmed to be in relationship with other people
From the start of life, babies seek out the human face and they are soothed by the touch and sounds of a safe other person. Being a parent, or caring for a young child, is a very ‘hands-on’ task, isn’t it? Bathing a child, brushing their hair, changing their nappy, feeding them, preparing their meal, holding them when they fall, singing them to sleep…so many tasks throughout the day and night!
Then Covid comes along and we’re told to be ‘hands-off’; to keep our distance. So, what happens to the comfort, connection and closeness we all still need? That I need whilst I am lying in my bed recuperating?
How can we be ‘hands-on’ during a pandemic that asks us to be ‘hands-off?’
Whilst I cannot be touched or physically with another person at the moment, what I have found makes a huge difference to me is being ‘held in mind’ by another person.
So, what does it mean to be held in someone’s mind? To me, it means that even though we are physically separate, I know that someone else is thinking about me, carrying me almost. I am held up by another, so I’m not alone. A good friend of mine who was suffering a serious illness said this to me:
“It made such a difference to know I was being held in mind. I cannot quite explain it but it’s like a web holding you and yours”
Perhaps this sounds mysterious, intangible. I have been thinking about how this might work between parents and children. I came across this very useful article called ‘Being Held in a Healthy Mind” which says:
‘When the child is out of sight, she is not out of mind, and what is more she somehow comes to intuit and trust the fact…Everything we know about attachment and bonding, and separation and loss, revolves at some stage around this critical process and reality.’
Someone is with you
In Circle of Security-Parenting we talk about being a ‘secure base’ for our children, to be someone who enables our children to go out and explore. To watch over them, and even when our children are out of sight, to watch over them in our mind’s eye. When we can do this for our children, they will grow up knowing that they are not alone. Bessel van der Kolk writes:
“If we feel abandoned, worthless or invisible, nothing seems to matter.’
Fischy music has a wonderful song that speaks of this intuitive knowing that we are not alone. It starts:
“When your feeling kinda blue, and there’s nothing you can do, someone is with you”
My hope is that each of us may know that we are worthwhile and that we are visible; that we are present in someone else’s mind.
Helen Bell
References
https://thetcj.org/in-residence/being-held-in-a-healthy-mind
The Body Keeps the score: mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma. (2015). Bessel van der Kolk.
Fischy music copyright
